The Failure of Potential

I’m kinda wondering where the urge to succeed comes from. Either that or I’m just trying to justify mediocrity and being average, I can’t quite tell the difference. I’ve thought a lot about what I’m “supposed” to do in my life and in general, I’ve felt like if I was anything less than extraordinary by general standards then I was falling short of my potential.

I’ve come to view success as financial abundance, entrepreneurship, stress, time, and dedication to work. Some how I’ve come to view being average as a kind of failure… Is it truly a failure to be ok with working for someone else rather than building a business of my own? Is it a failure to not want to dedicate my like to work? Am I failing because I’m not doing what I love and getting paid for it?

Truth, I have to work so I can pay my bills and support myself. But if I look at the black and white of it all, that is. It isn’t any more than that… Some where along my life’s path I’ve picked up the belief that I failing if I’m not rich and have nice things… I’m starting to realize that the success I thought I wanted isn’t really what I want. I thought I wouldn’t be living up to my potential if wasn’t a top performer at work, if I wasn’t building a business, or making millions. I associated potential with money making potential… But I’m seeing differently now.

My potential is truly more artistic I think. I have music within me that I want to make but first I need to learn how to play the piano. Thats potential… I have photos I want to take, thats potential. I have art within me… What about all this potential? Why do I feel like if I pursued any of this I would be failing?

I suppose it’s all a matter of perspective. After all, who’s life am I living anyway? It’s my life so I can decide what success means for me… Ultimately I just want to be happy. But I find that with each passing day, the things that make me happy are fewer and harder to find. God knows I haven’t been doing much of any of it.

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Ugh… The sound of frustration.

I’m struggling with conflicting states of being. What I want to do and what I actually do are some how not on the same page and it’s driving me crazy. I feel disconnected from myself and worn out.

  • Example… I want to wake up early and go to the gym. What actually happens? I hit snooz twice after I mentally beat myself up for not getting out of bed and “just going” cuz after all what’s the big deal?

I’ve read enough books on habbits and how the mind works so I get it. It’s difficult to be any other way than what you’ve been most of the time. But, fuck! Even with the understanding and insights I’ve gained from reading this and that it really does come down to “just doing it.”

But I fucking love cookie dough! Don’t do it… Just dont do it!

I hate getting out of bed when it’s still dark in the morning. Just do it! Just fucking do it!

Not gonna lie, life just seems like it would be so much easier if my head and my body were on the same page. All the motivational videos on YouTube will tell you that “you gotta want it bad enough” or you gotta “know your WHY.” The problem with this is that if any of it is true then it means the reason I’m not doing the things “I want to do” is because one, I don’t want it bad enough. Or two, I dont know why I want it… That’s simply way to complicated. Who doesnt want great health and a great body. I for sure want it… and yet I still dont get up in the morning to go to the gym… So what of that?

Ugh… The sound of frustration. And I still haven’t figured out how to turn on the spell check function on my new computer… Ugh.