More than anything, right now all I want is a break from adulating. Life has been a stern mistress recently and it would be nice to simply chill. I wish I could transport the me I am right now back into my childhood to experience what it feels like to be (nearly) carefree but still maintain my current level of awareness so that I could at least appreciate it.
I can whole heartedly acknowledge that the person I am now is not who I was when I left San Diego back in July of 2015. Just over a year and a half has passed and I wouldn’t recognize me if I saw the old me walking along the city sidewalks of SLC. If you had told me I would be living in Utah I would have laughed… But here I am. This isn’t a “poor me” blog post. My life certainly doesn’t suck and I am actually quite fond of Utah –when the weather is nice, at least. But I digress…
I mentioned all of this because I’ve been forced to do quite a bit of self reflection recently and I’ve noticed that I am no longer acting my old ways. I can look back on a few situations and how the old me would have reacted and I see how the new me is reacting. It makes me wonder; as human beings, do we each get to a point where all of the sudden we grow up? I can’t necessarily pinpoint the catalyst to this “positive” behavioral change but also, I know a few “adults” whom act like high school children… And it’s fucking weird that I can comfortably refer to high schoolers as “children”… I was one of them and it feels like it wasn’t all that long ago, but the numbers say it was 12 years ago, at least… 12 years!!!
Alright. Mild freakout is over.
I like the new me… But honestly, I’m a little afraid of loosing my ability to be carefree and simply enjoy life. It seems like everything has to be a lesson. I am tariffed of the possibility that I’ll get to the end of my life and be filled with regret.
I have worked so hard and invested so much time and energy into acquiring money because I associated money with freedom… Now I feel like money is what’s holding me back from truly experiencing life. I envy those whom throw up their hands and say “fuck it! I’m gonna live my life and travel the world on whatever I can make in a day”… But I also also love the finer things in life. I’d love to experience traveling the French Riviera on a Yacht. Don’t you see?! I’m at odds with my existence. I don’t know what to do or which way to go… And how do I live while I try to figure it out? I keep plugging away at selling cars…
I’m kinda wondering where the urge to succeed comes from. Either that or I’m just trying to justify mediocrity and being average, I can’t quite tell the difference. I’ve thought a lot about what I’m “supposed” to do in my life and in general, I’ve felt like if I was anything less than extraordinary by general standards then I was falling short of my potential.
I’ve come to view success as financial abundance, entrepreneurship, stress, time, and dedication to work. Some how I’ve come to view being average as a kind of failure… Is it truly a failure to be ok with working for someone else rather than building a business of my own? Is it a failure to not want to dedicate my like to work? Am I failing because I’m not doing what I love and getting paid for it?
Truth, I have to work so I can pay my bills and support myself. But if I look at the black and white of it all, that is. It isn’t any more than that… Some where along my life’s path I’ve picked up the belief that I failing if I’m not rich and have nice things… I’m starting to realize that the success I thought I wanted isn’t really what I want. I thought I wouldn’t be living up to my potential if wasn’t a top performer at work, if I wasn’t building a business, or making millions. I associated potential with money making potential… But I’m seeing differently now.
My potential is truly more artistic I think. I have music within me that I want to make but first I need to learn how to play the piano. Thats potential… I have photos I want to take, thats potential. I have art within me… What about all this potential? Why do I feel like if I pursued any of this I would be failing?
I suppose it’s all a matter of perspective. After all, who’s life am I living anyway? It’s my life so I can decide what success means for me… Ultimately I just want to be happy. But I find that with each passing day, the things that make me happy are fewer and harder to find. God knows I haven’t been doing much of any of it.
I’m struggling with conflicting states of being. What I want to do and what I actually do are some how not on the same page and it’s driving me crazy. I feel disconnected from myself and worn out.
- Example… I want to wake up early and go to the gym. What actually happens? I hit snooz twice after I mentally beat myself up for not getting out of bed and “just going” cuz after all what’s the big deal?
I’ve read enough books on habbits and how the mind works so I get it. It’s difficult to be any other way than what you’ve been most of the time. But, fuck! Even with the understanding and insights I’ve gained from reading this and that it really does come down to “just doing it.”
But I fucking love cookie dough! Don’t do it… Just dont do it!
I hate getting out of bed when it’s still dark in the morning. Just do it! Just fucking do it!
Not gonna lie, life just seems like it would be so much easier if my head and my body were on the same page. All the motivational videos on YouTube will tell you that “you gotta want it bad enough” or you gotta “know your WHY.” The problem with this is that if any of it is true then it means the reason I’m not doing the things “I want to do” is because one, I don’t want it bad enough. Or two, I dont know why I want it… That’s simply way to complicated. Who doesnt want great health and a great body. I for sure want it… and yet I still dont get up in the morning to go to the gym… So what of that?
Ugh… The sound of frustration. And I still haven’t figured out how to turn on the spell check function on my new computer… Ugh.