More than anything, right now all I want is a break from adulating. Life has been a stern mistress recently and it would be nice to simply chill. I wish I could transport the me I am right now back into my childhood to experience what it feels like to be (nearly) carefree but still maintain my current level of awareness so that I could at least appreciate it.
I can whole heartedly acknowledge that the person I am now is not who I was when I left San Diego back in July of 2015. Just over a year and a half has passed and I wouldn’t recognize me if I saw the old me walking along the city sidewalks of SLC. If you had told me I would be living in Utah I would have laughed… But here I am. This isn’t a “poor me” blog post. My life certainly doesn’t suck and I am actually quite fond of Utah –when the weather is nice, at least. But I digress…
I mentioned all of this because I’ve been forced to do quite a bit of self reflection recently and I’ve noticed that I am no longer acting my old ways. I can look back on a few situations and how the old me would have reacted and I see how the new me is reacting. It makes me wonder; as human beings, do we each get to a point where all of the sudden we grow up? I can’t necessarily pinpoint the catalyst to this “positive” behavioral change but also, I know a few “adults” whom act like high school children… And it’s fucking weird that I can comfortably refer to high schoolers as “children”… I was one of them and it feels like it wasn’t all that long ago, but the numbers say it was 12 years ago, at least… 12 years!!!
Alright. Mild freakout is over.
I like the new me… But honestly, I’m a little afraid of loosing my ability to be carefree and simply enjoy life. It seems like everything has to be a lesson. I am tariffed of the possibility that I’ll get to the end of my life and be filled with regret.
I have worked so hard and invested so much time and energy into acquiring money because I associated money with freedom… Now I feel like money is what’s holding me back from truly experiencing life. I envy those whom throw up their hands and say “fuck it! I’m gonna live my life and travel the world on whatever I can make in a day”… But I also also love the finer things in life. I’d love to experience traveling the French Riviera on a Yacht. Don’t you see?! I’m at odds with my existence. I don’t know what to do or which way to go… And how do I live while I try to figure it out? I keep plugging away at selling cars…